SMALL TALK

SMALL TALK

Full Script

Cast of Characters

(Note: These are only suggested ages. Actual ages may vary.

Wally, Charlie and Becky should be older than the rest of the cast.)

WALLY (aka “professor”): 40 or over, accountant, regular at the Oasis.

CHARLIE: 40 or over, owns the Oasis, bartender.

BECKY: 40 or over, waitress at the Oasis.

SIDNEY: 25 or over, newcomer, member of dating club.

JESSICA: 25 or over, regular at the Oasis.

VINNY: 35 or over, regular at the Oasis.

JANE: 35 or over, regular at the Oasis, girlfriend of Vinny.

JAKE: 35 or over, regular at the Oasis, villain.

SAMANTHA: 35 or over, college professor, newcomer, member of dating club.

TINA: 35 or over, gum chewer, newcomer, member of dating club.

GOD: Deep voice, offstage, could also be Radio Announcer.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Deep voice, offstage, could also be God.

JAKETTES: (3 females) Younger, backup singers for Jake, could also come from the cast.

SMALL TALK Musical Numbers in Act I

Faces With Character - Charlie and Wally

Trouble - Vinny and men (and/or the Jakettes)

Do What - Jake and the Jakettes

Don’t You Know By Now? - Jane

Cookbook Of Love - Becky

Small Talk - Ensemble

Find Me - Sidney and Jessica

Single File - Jessica and Jake

Who I Am - Jessica

But Love I Can’t Explain - Wally, Charlie and ensemble

SMALL TALK Musical Numbers in Act II

Kid In A Candy Store - Sidney, Jessica and ensemble

Imagine Me In Paris - Becky, Samantha and Tina

Chemistry - Samantha, Tina and ensemble

What I Like - Jake and the Jakettes

Do What (Reprise) - Tina

Infatuation - Sidney and Jessica

The Road - Ensemble

Setting: All scenes in both Acts are in the Oasis Café.

Place: The Oasis Café, any town

Time: Current day

ACT I

The furnishings, colors and plants suggest a desert theme. In addition to

the bar which is at an angle, there are several small tables near the front, a

juke box at the rear, and doorways for the kitchen, rest room, and main

entrance. Behind the bar are a number of display units with desserts, teas,

soft drinks, wines and liqueurs. A sign over the bar or door reads “Oasis

Café.” There is a banner on the far wall which reads “Welcome Single

File”. A few balloons are attached.

At Rise: It is 9 PM. Wally is seated at the downstage end of the bar. He is working

on his laptop computer. Charlie is behind the bar straightening up the

glasses.

ACT I
Scene 1

WALLY

It’s still not right! Damn it!

CHARLIE

What’s the problem this time professor?

WALLY

I’ve gotta fix this account before they have me killed.

CHARLIE (Sarcastically.)

Don’t worry. If somebody was gonna kill you because of your accounting problems,

you’da been dead a long time ago.

WALLY

Thanks for your unsolicited support.

CHARLIE

It’s my pleasure!

WALLY

I don’t know why I come here. I get more abuse here than I do in my own office.

CHARLIE

As far as I’m concerned this is your office. I should be charging you rent. And besides

that, you’ve already worn out two of my bar stools.

WALLY

Actually, you should be paying me. I’m the only one who brings some class to this place.

CHARLIE

Why don’t you just relax and turn that dam thing off.

WALLY

That’s a good idea. I just can’t take any more of your encouragement and support.

(Pushes computer back, and takes a deep breath.)

OK, so what kind of disaster are you planning for this week Charlie?

CHARLIE

Remember the fun we had at the nurse’s party last week? Well tonight’s gonna be even

better.

WALLY

Last week was like an evening in hell!

CHARLIE

Then it must have felt just like home.

WALLY (Ignoring CHARLIE.)

Those nurses! They stampeded in here and tore up the place. And that gal with the

Picasso face kept trying to take my blood pressure.

CHARLIE (Chuckles.)

Probably had too many of my “Local Anesthesia’s”.

WALLY

Oh, and that thing! It tasted like fish oil Charlie. You should be run out of town for that

little concoction.

CHARLIE (Sarcastically.)

Then I guess you didn’t like it.

WALLY

Hated it!

CHARLIE

OK, forget last week. Tonight’s a winner…

(Grabs a newspaper from behind the bar.)

…look who we’ve invited.

WALLY (Looks at the newspaper.)

You can’t be serious. They’ll be salivating and crawling all over each other.

CHARLIE

Not so fast professor. My sister joined the club, and she’s says they’re very sophisticated.

WALLY

Really?

CHARLIE

Really! Here, let me show you their web site.

(Pulls the computer toward him.)

WALLY

Single File Computer Dating Club. Mmmm…not too bad.

(Takes the computer back from CHARLIE and clicks.)

Ah…here’s some pictures.

(Clicks again)

Good Lord…this one is really, really scary!

CHARLIE

(Leans down to take a closer look.)

Well, she’s not very pretty but she’s uh…unique.

WALLY (Clicks again.)

Look at this one! It looks like the face of the moon.

CHARLIE

Nice smile though.

WALLY

Yeah but she’s just a little too…

(Clicks again.)

…Whoa!

(Dramatically and slowly.)

Buy… this… lady…a…broom!

CHARLIE (Takes a look.)

Professor!! That’s my sister!

WALLY

Oooops.

CHARLIE

I suppose you’re gonna tell me you’ve never seen a face that you liked?

WALLY

Not since Marilyn Monroe’s! (Substitute another name, e.g. a person from your area.)

CHARLIE

Well, I have to give you that one. She sure has a lot of charm…mystery…character.

WALLY

Most faces are pretty ugly, if you think about it.

CHARLIE

You’re too critical. There’s something special about every face. Listen.

(They both come out from behind the bar and move upstage.)

(Song ”FACES WITH CHARACTER”)

NOTE: This song can be a very visual piece. As each of the “faces” is mentioned (e.g.

Mona Lisa’s) there could suddenly be a very comical representation of that face. Or the

two of them could simply make faces and gestures.

CHARLIE

I HAVE SEEN SOME FACES…IN MY TIME

SOME ARE RATHER COMMON…LIKE YOURS AND MINE.

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK THOUGH, AND SEE WHAT YOU’LL FIND -

THAT THEY ALL HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL,

OUT OF THE ORDINARY,

YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH THESE...FACES.

WONDERFUL FACES LIKE GREAT MASTERPIECES

SMILES SO ENCHANTING THEY BEAT MONA LISA’S.

(Pause as WALLY prepares to sing.)

WALLY

OK - LET’S HANG ‘EM IN SOME OLD MUSEUM

THEN LOCK THE DOORS SO WE DON’T HAVE TO SEE ’EM.

BOTH

FACES WE’VE SEEN – MAKE YOU SMILE, MAKE YOU SCREAM.

WHAT A THRILL WHEN YOU’VE SEEN

FACES WITH CHARACTER.

WALLY

You’re fooling yourself. Listen.

WALLY

WE HAVE SEEN SOME FACES…HAVEN’T WE?

SOMEWHERE IN A SIDE SHOW, OR UP IN A TREE,

I OBSERVE THESE FACES FASTIDIOUSLY.

THEY’RE THE ONES WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL,

WALLY (Cont.)

OUT OF THE ORDINARY

YOU WILL WANNA RUN FROM...THESE FACES.

NOSES SO HUGE — PEOPLE CRINGE WHEN THEY’VE SEEN ‘EM.

EARS THAT HAVE HEARD THAT IT’S UGLY BETWEEN ‘EM.

(Pause as CHARLIE prepares to sing.)

CHARLIE

EYES THAT WILL PRAISE YOU AND FILL YOU WITH GLORY.

LIPS MEANT FOR KISSING OR TELLING A STORY.

BOTH

FACES WE’VE SEEN – MAKE YOU SMILE, MAKE YOU SCREAM.,

WHAT A THRILL WHEN YOU’VE SEEN

FACES WITH CHARACTER.

CHARLIE

There’s something good to be said about every face professor.

WALLY

The only thing good thing I have to say is…good riddance.

CHARLIE

ALL THAT THEY NEED IS A CLOSER INSPECTION.

WALLY (Points away.)

BETTER FOR US IF THEY FACED THAT DIRECTION.

BOTH

FACES WE’VE SEEN – MAKE YOU SMILE, MAKE YOU SCREAM.

WHAT A THRILL WHEN YOU’VE SEEN

FACES WITH CHARACTER.

ACT I

Scene 2

CHARLIE

Just keep an open mind. You’ll probably see some great faces tonight.

WALLY

Sure, and Annie Oakley’s gonna ride in here on a buffalo.

(They both go back to their original positions.)

CHARLIE

Gotta have faith!

(BECKY enters from the front door.)

Becky, what happened?

(She is about to enter the kitchen, but stops.)

I thought we were gonna start a little early tonight?

BECKY

I tried my new GPS and it took me all the way through (Insert name of nearby town.)

(CHARLIE shakes his head.)

WALLY (Sarcastically.)

So what’s the special little drink tonight Becky?

BECKY

I’m on my way to make it right now.

(Starts to go toward the kitchen.)

CHARLIE

No Becky...I’ve already made it. The directions were simple as ABC.

BECKY

God help us Charlie! After last week’s fiasco we’ll never see a nurse in here again.

CHARLIE

You’re exaggerating! Anyway I’ve got a good name for the drink this week. Professor …

…you’ll like this. I’m calling it a Double Entendre.

WALLY

Why?

CHARLIE

Single people just love those risqué double entendres…it gets their blood flowing.

CHARLIE (Cont.)

(SIDNEY enters and stays by the front door. He’s a little

perplexed. CHARLIE calls over to him.)

Evenin’.

SIDNEY

Hi. Is this where the party is?

CHARLIE

Yeah…come on in. You’re just a little early. Come on over and meet the professor.

SIDNEY (Walks over to WALLY.)

Hi professor. I’m Sidney. I’m with the singles club.

(Shakes hands with WALLY.)

WALLY

Good to meet you kid. Actually my name’s Wally. I’m an accountant. Charlie calls me

professor because he usually can’t understand what I’m saying.

(Pauses.)

So you fell for this singles club deal, eh? Tell me about it.

SIDNEY

I joined the club a couple of weeks ago. And I’ve already gotten my Compatibility Name

Tag.

(Shows him his name tag.)

CHARLIE

Have one of our special drinks Sidney. We call it a Double Entendre.

SIDNEY

I...uh –

CHARLIE (Puts drink down.)

Good!

(Immediately brings up a large red cup with the special drink.

Throughout the evening whenever a Double Entendre is served, it

is in one of those large red cups. CHARLIE already has 8 or 10

filled cups behind the bar. It will speed things along during the

evening. All other drinks are served in regular cups and glasses.

CHARLIE goes to the far end of the bar.)

WALLY

A Compatibility Tag? What’s it for?

SIDNEY

Look…the codes and colors tell you who you’re compatible with. Isn’t that neat?

(Drinks some of the Double Entendre.)

WALLY (Sarcastically.)

Incredible!

SIDNEY

This blue tag says I’m male, single, college educated, and play tennis.

WALLY (Pointing.)

So you get all that from the color blue? What about all these dam numbers?

SIDNEY

Oh…they help you figure out who you’re compatible with. Like…suppose you run into a

gal who has a code DMB123…then you –

WALLY (Doesn’t want to hear any more. Interrupting.)

Hold that thought for a minute Sidney. I’ll be right back.

(Points and heads for the rest room. Sidney drinks more of the

Double Entendre.)

BECKY

(Coming from the kitchen and wearing an apron.)

I’m ready for the onslaught Charlie.

CHARLIE (To BECKY.)

Yeah, yeah…you’re beautiful. Hey Becky…this is our first singles club

customer…Sidney.

BECKY

Hello Sidney…welcome to party central.

SIDNEY

Hi.

BECKY

Can I get you anything?

(CHARLIE goes to the other end of the bar.)

SIDNEY

No thanks. I’ll probably be leaving soon anyway.

(Takes another sip of the Double Entendre.)

BECKY

Why? Charlie giving you a hard time?

SIDNEY

No. Well, I was hoping I might meet somebody tonight. But this place is…well…empty.

BECKY (Looks around.)

It sure is.

SIDNEY (Moves toward the door.)

So maybe I’ll come back another time. I’m gonna try a few more places.

CHARLIE

(Intercepts SIDNEY and steers him downstage.)

That…would be a big mistake. C’mon…relax…drink up.

(SIDNEY takes another drink.)

If you’re really looking for your soul mate, you’ve come to the right place. Many happy

couples got their start right here where you’re standing!

SIDNEY

OK…but I can’t stay too long.

CHARLIE

Excellent. OK. So, finish your drink, and I’ll get you another one.

(SIDNEY finishes his drink and hands the cup to CHARLIE.)

(JANE and VINNY enter. VINNY is the typical sports fan. He’s

wearing a cap and a shirt with “NY Yankees” on it. (Or some other

team name.)

BECKY

Hi guys.

VINNY

Hi Becky.

(VINNY and JANE go over to the bar far from SIDNEY.)

Where’s the professor tonight?

CHARLIE

I think he’s back there.

(Motioning toward the rest room.)

What can I get you to drink?

VINNY

I’m not sure, uh –

CHARLIE

Hey, try one of our special drinks. You’ll love it. It’s got coffee, a touch of liqueur, some

cactus milk and stuff like that. I’m calling it a Double Entendre…made it especially for

CHARLIE (Cont.)

that singles club. But you guys are still single, right?

JANE

Yes, we still are! But I think –

VINNY (Interrupting.)

OK…we’ll give it a shot

(CHARLIE proceeds to pour the Double Entendres. At the same

time SAMANTHA and TINA enter. The two of them are as

different as night and day. SAMANTHA is dressed very

conservatively. TINA wears an absolutely awful outfit and carries

a large garish pocketbook. She is also chewing gum. They go and

sit at a table. BECKY goes over to them. They are looking the

place over and whispering to each other. BECKY is waiting.)

TINA

(Whispers to SAMANTHA and points.)

Over dere Sam. That cute guy at the bar.

(Seeing VINNY she waves. VINNY starts to wave but realizes that

JANE is watching.)

SAMANTHA

For goodness sakes Tina, he’s with somebody. Quash your truculent behavior.

TINA (Confused look.)

My what? Can’t I just say hello to somebody?

SAMANTHA

He doesn’t even have a tag. C’mon let’s acquire a couple of Apple Martinis.

(To BECKY, who is standing there patiently.)

Apple Martinis for both of us.

BECKY

OK…but can I suggest something a little different?

(Notices their tags.)

How about tonight’s special? It was made especially for you guys.

SAMANTHA

(SAMANTHA and TINA look at each other.)

What is it?

BECKY

It’s an unusual drink. Coffee and herbs and cactus milk and…

(Yells over to CHARLIE.)

…hey Charlie...what are we calling that drink again?

CHARLIE (From behind the bar.)

A Double Entendre. It’s great ladies.

TINA

I’ve never heard of it. I bet I’ll get sick. Let’s just have the Martinis…okay Sam?

(SAMANTHA nods.)

(As BECKY heads back to the bar, three young women enter and

sit at a upstage table. They will become the Jakettes. From this

point on, CHARLIE and BECKY serve drinks and snacks to the

customers. WALLY comes back from the rest room, goes over to

his friends, VINNY and JANE.)

VINNY

Hey...how ya doin’ professor?

WALLY (Sarcastically.)

The market is down, interest rates are up, my bottom line is

dropping…you figure it out!

(Pauses. Then remembers to introduce SIDNEY.)

Oh…hey guys…this is Sidney. This is Jane and Vinny…two of my best friends.

(They shake hands.)

Sidney here belongs to that new computer dating club.

(Teasing SIDNEY.)

See his cute little blue tag. It helps him find a compatible person.

(WALLY chuckles. SIDNEY is a little embarrassed.)

JANE (Trying to be supportive.)

I’m sure you’ll find just the right woman.

VINNY

You kiddin’ me? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of.

JANE

Vinny stop! That’s not fair.

VINNY

C’mon Jane...I have a right to my own opinion.

JANE

Not if you’re gonna be nasty!

(She has an angry look on her face.)

VINNY (To JANE.)

Why are you so upset?

JANE (Angrily.)

It doesn’t look like it’s going to be any fun here tonight. Let’s go to a movie.

VINNY

Oh no…we just got here…I’ll tell you what. We’ll see a movie tomorrow night. Maybe a

romance movie. Something that’s about us.

JANE (Sarcastically.)

What? Like “Beauty and the Beast”?

VINNY (Frustrated and a bit upset.)

OK, OK…so then we’ll stay home tomorrow night.

JANE

No…I wanna go out. We stay home too much. I think we should go out to dinner!

VINNY

But I thought we were trying to lose weight.

JANE

Are you trying to tell me I’m getting fat?

VINNY

No…I’m just trying to help you.

JANE

Oh…so now you think I need help!

VINNY

Ay Caramba!

(Song “TROUBLE”)

(Latin beat.)

(This song should be staged with as much Latin flavor as possible.

VINNY might have a sombrero and possibly a gaucho, and the

JAKETTES could have instruments like Castanets, marimbas, etc.

Possibly some dancing.)

VINNY

ARE MEN AND WOMEN MEANT

TO BE SO DIFFERENT

I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S JUST AN ACCIDENT

VINNY (Cont.)

WHATEVER I DECIDE

SHE TAKES THE OTHER SIDE

IT LEADS TO A BIG ARGUMENT!

IT IS A SIMPLE FACT…THAT OPPOSITES ATTRACT.

AND OPPOSITION’S WHAT WE NEVER LACK.

SHE'S FEELING COLD…I’M HOT

I’M FEELING GOOD…SHE’S NOT

OUR TIMING IS WAY OUT OF WHACK.

VINNY AND JAKETTES

TROUBLE…THERE’S ALWAYS TROUBLE

WHENEVER SINGLES DECIDE TO BE DOUBLE

SLOWLY, AND SOMETIMES FASTER

THE SITUATION BECOMES A DISASTER.

VINNY

I ALWAYS TRY TO SEIZE

THOSE OPPORTUNITIES

TO SAY SHE’S RIGHT

BECAUSE I LIKE TO PLEASE

I THINK SHE’S HAPPY THEN, UNTIL THE MOMENT WHEN

SHE TELLS ME SHE STILL DISAGREES!

SO WHEN YOU MEET THE ONE WITH WHOM YOUR HEART

CONNECTS,

YOU’LL THINK YOU’VE FOUND THE LOVE THAT EVERYONE

EXPECTS.

BUT DON’T BELIEVE THE MYTH

YOU’LL BE IN TROUBLE WITH

SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

VINNY AND JAKETTES

TROUBLE…THERE’S ALWAYS TROUBLE

WHENEVER SINGLES DECIDE TO BE DOUBLE

SLOWLY, AND SOMETIMES FASTER

THE SITUATION BECOMES A DISASTER!

ACT I

Scene 3

JANE

(JAKETTES return to their table)

That works both ways Vinny.

VINNY

OK honey. Let’s leave.

JANE

Is that what you’d like to do?

VINNY

Yeah.

JANE

Nah…I think I wanna stay.

(VINNY throws up his hands.)

VINNY

Ay Caramba!

(JESSICA and JAKE enter. They are regulars at the Oasis. Their

entrance is dramatic. Everyone is hushed and motionless. JAKE is

wearing a black rock ‘n roll outfit. Jessica appears intimidated.

They walk a few steps and stop. JAKE takes out a big comb and

carefully combs his hair. Then they move toward a downstage

table.)

CHARLIE

(Coldly acknowledges JAKE with a nod. JAKE doesn’t respond.)

BECKY

Hi Jessica.

(JESSICA gives her a mousy little wave. JAKE and JESSICA pass

SAMANTHA and TINA. JAKE gives them a quick look. They go

over to the table nearest the bar. JAKE motions to JESSICA to sit

down, and he walks over to the bar.)

JAKE (Bangs on the bar.)

Give me a glass of water for my girl over there. I need something stronger. Whataya got?

(CHARLIE starts to give him a Double Entendre. He pushes it

back.)

What is that?! There.

(Points to a bottle of liqueur.)

JAKE (Cont.)

Give me some of that stuff in the blue bottle…and a glass of water for my girl.

(As CHARLIE gets the drinks, JESSICA starts to get up. JAKE

turns and yells out.)

Jessica…sit still!

(To SIDNEY who is watching the interaction.)

What may I ask, are you looking at!?

(SIDNEY looks away. JAKE walks back to the table with his drink

and the water for JESSICA.)

JESSICA

Jake honey, could I have a mocha latte?

JAKE

You drink too much of that stuff. You’ll get pimples.

(Still standing.)

Hey you!

(Referring to TINA.)

What’s your name babe?

(She gives him a little smile, but stops when she notices that Sam

is very disapproving.)

JESSICA

Please, Jake I -

JAKE

Hey...Jessie. Will ya relax?

JESSICA

I just –

JAKE

I said relax. Drink your water. You’re getting on my nerves.

(JESSICA drinks the water.)

BECKY

(Brings martinis to TINA and SAMANTHA. Talks to JESSICA.)

Can I get you something else honey, to go with the water?

JAKE (Answering for her.)

No thanks.

JESSICA

Please Jake I –

JAKE

You’re doing it again Jessica. Don’t you know what’s good for you? Huh? Now let’s

have some music.

(He goes over to the juke box and puts in a quarter. Music plays.

He picks up a microphone and moves to the front of the café. The

three women...the JAKETTES…sitting at the back table quickly

put on their jackets and move to the front to be alongside JAKE.

They briefly hold up a sign reading “The JAKETTES”, or have the

word “JAKETTES” written on the back of their jackets.)

JESSICA

Jake I -

JAKE

Do what I say Jessica!

(Song “DO WHAT”)

(A Fifties style song.)

JAKE

BABY…YOU DON’T WANT OUR LOVE TO FALL APART. (DO-DOWHAT)

AND BABY YOU DON’T WANT A SILLY BROKEN HEART. (DO-DOWHAT)

SO YOU BETTER DO WHAT? (DO WHAT?)

DO WHAT I WANT.

JAKE

I WANT YOUR MONEY

YOUR BODY

YOUR CONDO

YOUR CHEVY

AND YOUR MIND. (DO DO WHAT)

IT’S TIME TO LOVE ME

AND BEG ME

AND HOLD ME

AND KISS ME

ALL, ALL OF THE TIME.

(OH YE-AH-AH. OH-OH-OH YEAH)

JAKE JAKETTES

SO BABY-DO WHAT? SQUEEZE HIM.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? PLEASE HIM.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? LOVE HIM ALL OF THE TIME.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? SEIZE HIM.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? APPEASE HIM.

RIGHT NOW! DO WHAT?

OH BABY GIVE ME THE LOVE AND AFFECTION I NEED.

JAKETTES (In unison.)

Are you listening honey?

JAKE

BABY…YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ME SAY GOOD-BYE (DO DO

WHAT)

AND BABY YOU DON’T WANT THOSE TEARS IN YOUR EYES (DO DO

WHAT)

SO YOU BETTER DO WHAT?

(DO WHAT?)

DO WHAT I WANT.

I WANT DEVOTION

ATTENTION

EMOTION

I’LL MENTION ‘EM

JUST ONE MORE TIME.

(DO DO WHAT?)

IF YOU OBEY ME

DON’T BORE ME

JUST TRUST AND

ADORE ME,

YOU’LL...BE JUST FINE.

JAKETTES

(OH YE-AH-AH. OH-OH-OH YEAH.)

JAKE JAKETTES

SO BABY-DO WHAT? PROTECT HIM.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? RESPECT HIM.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? LOVE HIM ALL OF THE TIME.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? DON’T NEGLECT HIM.

SO BABY-DO WHAT? OR CORRECT HIM.

RIGHT NOW! DO WHAT?

OH BABY GIVE ME THE LOVE AND AFFECTION I NEED.

I AM SO GOO-OOO-OOOD!

(This line is sung center stage Elvis style and is really drawn out.)

JAKETTES

OH YEAH!

(They push for all the applause it can get then return to their table.)

ACT I

Scene 4

JESSICA (Swoons.)

Oh Jake. That was wonderful!

JAKE

Well, I hope that makes things very clear Jessica.

(She nods.)

Good, I like a smart lady. Hey red!

(Calling to SAMANTHA.)

What’s your name?

(SAMANTHA gives JAKE a dirty look.)

Oh oh.

JESSICA (Gets closer to JAKE.)

I sure am a lucky gal.

SIDNEY (Referring to JAKE.)

That creep!

WALLY

She’s too obsequious.

BECKY

Guys, just ignore them. It’s not your problem.

VINNY

She’s right. I don’t care about them. I’m here to enjoy myself with my friends.

WALLY

OK with me.

JANE (A little sensitive.)

I hope I’m more than just a friend Vinny!

VINNY

Oh c’mon…you know I didn’t mean it that way.

WALLY

He didn’t mean it that way.

VINNY (Turns toward WALLY.)

Hey professor…speaking of friends…did I ever tell you the one about these two guys

sitting near the dugout?

(Turns toward SIDNEY.)

VINNY (Cont.)

Hey kid…c’mon over…ya gotta hear this one!

(SIDNEY comes over and the three of them huddle to hear the

joke. JANE rolls her eyes.)

(Song “DON’T YOU KNOW BY NOW”)

JANE (Plaintively.)

DON’T YOU KNOW BY NOW?

CAN’T YOU READ MY MIND?

HOW CAN YOU BE SO BRIGHT

AND YET SO BLIND?

(Stands up and goes over to VINNY. His back is to her as he

continues his conversation with WALLY and SIDNEY.)

DON’T YOU GET IT YET?

LOOK INTO MY EYES

WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S YOU

I IDOLIZE?

I’VE BEEN JITTERY FROM THE START

YOU’VE BEEN FIDGETING WITH MY HEART

IT’S SO OBVIOUS…IT’S NO USE

IGNORANCE IS A DUMB EXCUSE,

IT WON’T KEEP US APART.

DON’T YOU KNOW THE SCORE?

ISN’T THERE SOME SIGN?

HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE YOU KNOW YOU’RE MINE?

DON’T YOU HEAR THE WORDS?

ARE YOU JUST A TEASE?

WHY CAN’T YOU HEAR ME

SAYING ”LOVE ME PLEASE?“

I’VE BEEN JITTERY FROM THE START

YOU’VE BEEN FIDGETING WITH MY HEART

IT’S SO OBVIOUS…IT’S NO USE

IGNORANCE IS A DUMB EXCUSE,

IT WON’T KEEP US APART.

(Slower and lovingly. She puts her hand on VINNY’S shoulder.)

DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HAVE NO REGRET.

HERE IN MY HEART I’VE KNOWN

SINCE WE TWO MET...

JANE (Cont.)

YOU LOVE ME TOO, BUT YOU…

DON’T KNOW IT YET.

JAKETTES (Standing up to sing.)

SHE’S BEEN JITTERY FROM THE START

YOU’VE BEEN FIDGETING WITH HER HEART

IT’S SO OBVIOUS…IT’S NO USE

IGNORANCE IS A DUMB EXCUSE,

IT WON’T KEEP US APART.

(They sit back down.)

JANE (Softly and slowly.)

DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I HAVE NO REGRET

HERE IN MY HEART I’VE KNOWN -

SINCE WE TWO MET...

YOU LOVE ME TOO, BUT YOU -

DON’T KNOW IT YET.

(She puts her head on VINNY’S shoulder.)

ACT I

Scene 5

JAKE (To JESSICA.)

You keep saying maybe. What’s this maybe business? Is it yes or is it no? Make up your

mind.

(He grabs her arm.)

JESSICA

Jake...you’re hurting my arm.

JAKE

Well you’re hurting my ego.

JESSICA

Please Jake you’re acting so –

JAKE

I’m not acting. This is me!

(Gets up.)

Now pull yourself together and smile. We’re havin’ fun baby. I’ll be right back. Give me

a kiss.

(She does. JAKE goes to the bar for a drink and Charlie serves

him. One of the Jakettes jumps up from her table to join Jake at

the bar.)

BECKY

(Walks over to JESSICA who is wiping her eyes with a tissue.)

You Okay?

JESSICA

I guess.

BECKY

You shouldn’t be sitting here alone.

JESSICA

I’m not alone. See...he’s watching over me right now.

(JAKE is staring at them.)

BECKY

That’s not watching Jessica. That’s controlling. You’re practically his slave.

JESSICA

Well, that’s okay. After all, he does take me out all the time. I’m pretty lucky.

BECKY

How can you consider yourself lucky with a guy like that?

JESSICA

And he’s so handsome.

BECKY

He’s not that handsome.

JESSICA

Well…he thinks he is…

(Slowly and distinctly.)

…he’s always bragging about his attributes!

BECKY

Oh…that’s just small talk.

(She illustrates a small size with her thumb and index finger. Brief

pause for audience reaction.)

JESSICA

Becky, that’s not nice!

BECKY

But Jessica, he’s not so special. You deserve better than that. Find a nice guy.

JESSICA

How?

BECKY

Get some confidence in yourself.

JESSICA

Sure, it’s easy for you to be confident, because you’re always so sure of yourself.

BECKY (Puzzled.)

Huh? Anyway…I was just like you once.

JESSICA

You mean you were a complete idiot? What did you do?

BECKY

I changed. See…I found a special little book.

JESSICA

Can you buy it in paperback?

BECKY (Gets very dramatic.)

Hold on! I’m coming to that.

(Brief pause.)

Well...it was a couple of years ago...a dark rainy Saturday afternoon. I was rambling

through the shopping center feeling sorry for myself, when I came to the bookstore…

(Pause. Roll out small bookshelf. A sign on the bookshelf says

“SOCIOLOGY AND PSYCHOLOGY”.)

…and I decided to go in and see what I could find.

(Song “COOKBOOK OF LOVE”)

BECKY

I WALKED INTO THE BOOKSTORE,

ALL MY TROUBLES ON MY MIND.

I WANDERED UP AND DOWN THE AISLE

TO SEE WHAT I COULD FIND.

SOCIOLOGY AND PSYCHOLOGY,

THE SIGN SAID UP ABOVE.

THERE ON THE SECOND SHELF,

RIGHT UNDER SELF HELP,

I FOUND THE COOKBOOK OF LOVE.

(She picks up the Cookbook Of Love from one of the shelves.)

I BOUGHT THAT BOOK AND READ IT CAREFULLY.

IT TAUGHT ME WORD BY WORD THAT I WAS FINE AS CAN BE.

I PUT MEN ON BACK BURNERS

’CAUSE I COULDN’T TAKE THE HEAT.

THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO WANT DESSERT

BEFORE THE MEAL’S COMPLETE.

ALL THE TIME IT TOOK TO DIGEST THIS BOOK

WELL IT SIMPLY HAD TO BE

IT BUBBLED IN MY MIND,

IT TROUBLED ME TO FIND

THE PERFECT MENU FOR ME.

I READ EACH CHAPTER PAGE BY PAGE.

I THOUGHT THAT FATE TO ME HAD BEEN UNKIND.

I CHANGED MY OUTLOOK STAGE BY STAGE

(Now slower with vamp.)

AND WHAT THAT BOOK HAD OVERLOOKED

I READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

(She stretches out the word “LINES” by bringing the pitch lower

and lower.)

BECKY (Cont.)

(Then, slowly but passionately.)

YOU NEED A HEALTHY DIET,

BUT YOU’RE GETTIN’ SOMETHING ELSE,

JUST FIND SOME PEACE AND QUIET,

AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF.

THE INGREDIENTS ARE SIMPLE,

AND THE RECIPE WILL SAY -

BEFORE YOU EVEN START,

FORGET THE A- LA-CARTE,

CUZ YOU’RE THE SPECIAL OF...THE DAY.

YOU’LL FIND IT ALL IN...THE COOKBOOK OF LOVE!

BECKY

Better save your appetite honey, ‘cause this meal has five courses!

(Hands book to JESSICA.)

ACT I

Scene 6

(The bookshelf has been rolled away.)

JESSICA

Becky, you are so right! What a fool I’ve been.

BECKY

Glad to see you’re wising up.

JESSICA

Oh, most definitely. And you know what?

BECKY (Sweetly.)

What honey?

JESSICA

Jake will be so proud of me.

(BECKY grabs the book back, shakes her head and leaves.

JESSICA sees JAKE coming back over to the table.)

Hi honey! Guess what I –

JAKE

Did ya miss me baby?

(JESSICA doesn’t say anything.)

I said, did you miss me? Hey! It’s a simple question. You don’t have to think about it.

Just nod your head or something.

JESSICA (Weakly.)

Yes.

JAKE

Hey! You really do love me, don’t you?

JESSICA (Angry.)

Look Jake!

JAKE

Oh oh.

JESSICA (Loudly.)

Would you please... please treat me a little better? Is that too much to ask?

JAKE

What do you mean?

JESSICA

What I mean is...we never go to nice restaurants anymore...where they have…

(Thinks about it.)

…specials of the day.

JAKE

I don’t get it. I thought you liked this place.

JESSICA

It’s okay. But all they have here is desserts and stuff. I need some healthy food Jake.

JAKE

All right. Saturday night we’ll go to Chez Antoinette. (Or name of a local establishment.)

How’s that?

JESSICA (Weakly.)

OK.

SIDNEY

Can you believe what you’re hearing Wally?

WALLY

(To SIDNEY but intended for CHARLIE to hear too.)

Every time I’m here, all I hear is foolish talk. Small talk.

CHARLIE (Annoyed.)

I suppose you’ve got something more interesting to say professor?

BECKY

This isn’t the United Nations. It’s just normal conversation.

WALLY

Normal maybe…intelligent…definitely not. Just listen.

(Improvised small talk conversations follow as lead-in music is

played. Enthusiastic but not loud.)

JANE

I’m so glad it didn’t rain today.

SAMANTHA (To TINA.)

Did you get to that sale at Macy’s?

VINNY (To CHARLIE.)

What’s the baseball score?

TINA (To SAMANTHA.)

So, I’m all dressed up and he wants to take me bowling. Can you believe that?

(Conversation fades.)

WALLY

See what I mean BECKY?

(Song “SMALL TALK”)

JANE (To SIDNEY.)

YOU KNOW YOU LOOK FAMILIAR…HAVE WE MET BEFORE?

SAMANTHA (To TINA.)

I REALLY LOVE YOUR OUTFIT, IT’S SO CUTE.

VINNY (To WALLY.)

DID YOU HEAR THE NEW YORK YANKEES BASEBALL SCORE?

TINA (To SAMANTHA.)

I BET YOU’D LOOK TERRIFIC IN A SUIT.

CHORUS - WOMEN

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

CHORUS - MEN

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

WALLY (To BECKY.)

I’M GONNA GIVE YOU MY OPINION IF I MAY.

THE CONVERSATION HERE IS JUST A BORE.

LISTEN TO THEM BECKY AND YOU’LL HEAR THEM SAY...

(WALLY mocks the conversation.)

THE WEATHER’S NICE

IT’S GETTING LATE.

I LIKE THE PRICE

YOU’RE LOOKING GREAT.

TAKE MY ADVICE.

DON’T HESITATE.

(WALLY utters “whew”.)

I’VE HEARD IT ALL A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE.

CHORUS - WOMEN

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

CHORUS - MEN

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

VINNY (To CHARLIE.)

SAY HAVE YOU HEARD THE FORECAST FOR THIS SATURDAY?

JANE (To SIDNEY.)

AND DO YOU LIVE AROUND THIS PART OF TOWN?

SIDNEY (To VINNY.)

DID YOU HEAR THAT PHONY POLITICIAN SAY,

CHARLIE

“I WILL BRING YOUR INCOME TAXES DOWN.”

CHORUS - WOMEN

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

CHORUS - MEN

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

CHORUS - ALL

YAP, YAP, YAP, YAP

JABBER, JABBER

BABBLE, BABBLE

CHATTER, CHATTER

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

AND ET CETERA.

WALLY

It’s driving me crazy Becky! The conversation here is always so trite.

BECKY

It’s harmless Wally. Besides, do you wanna hear what’s really on their minds?

WALLY

Would that be so bad?

BECKY

Well...

(She snaps her fingers.)

…listen to this.

(All cast members suddenly have frowns on their faces.)

TINA

I REALLY HATE THOSE HIFALUTIN WOIDS YOU USE.

SAMANTHA

WELL THAT’S BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T GOT A BRAIN.

JANE

YOU MAY THINK YOU’RE FUNNY BUT I’M NOT AMUSED.

VINNY

ALL YOU DO IS GRUMBLE AND COMPLAIN!

CHORUS - WOMEN

BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD TALK.

CHORUS - MEN

BAD, BAD, BAD, BAD TALK.

WALLY

Hmm. I see what you mean. Becky, put it back the way it was.

(BECKY snaps her fingers again. Immediately everyone smiles.)

BECKY

Sure.

WALLY CHORUS

I’M GONNA GIVE YOU MY OPINION SMALL, SMALL, SMALL,

IF I MAY, SMALL TALK.

THE CONVERSATION HERE SMALL, SMALL, SMALL,

I JUST ADORE. SMALL TALK.

LISTEN TO THEM BECKY AND

YOU’LL HEAR THEM SAY,

ALL

(With WALLY out in front.)

I LOVE THE THINGS YOU’RE SAYING - SAY SOME MORE.

ALL

SMALL, SMALL, SMALL, SMALL TALK.

(At the end of the song JESSICA leaves the table and goes to the

rest room.)

ACT I

Scene 7

JAKE

(Seeing his opportunity to get attention, he goes to the front of the

stage and speaks to the audience.)

Hey. What d’ya think about that broad Jessica? She just doesn’t get it…does she? She’s

just a big bundle of trouble. Y’know, I’ve been trying to help her clean up her act. Now,

answer this for me, will ya. Yes or no. Ain’t I the best thing since sliced bread? Yes or

no! Just yell it out!

(Motions to the audience to respond.)

Well?

(Pauses for audience response. Louder.)

C’mon…yell it out!

JESSICA

(Coming back from the rest room during the audience response.)

What are you doing Jake?

JAKE

Oh, oh. I…nothin’ honey. I was just bragging about you.

(JESSICA isn’t buying it and has a very angry look on her face.)

Honest honey.

(JESSICA looks as though she’s going to yell at him.)

Oh, oh!

(A little scared, he slips right past her and heads for the rest room.

She goes back to the table.)

CHARLIE

(Notices the sad expression on SIDNEY’S face.)

Hey…what’s bothering you Sidney?

SIDNEY

It’s really unfair Charlie.

CHARLIE

What’s unfair?

SIDNEY

That guy’s bum, but he still manages to hook up with a real nice girl. I, on the other hand

go from place to place, join this club and that, and I can’t find what I’m looking for.

CHARLIE

Here…have another Double Entendre.

(This time SIDNEY gulps it down quickly.)

CHARLIE (Cont.)

Listen Sidney. In this business I meet a lot of people who are looking for some person or

some thing. You’re not alone.

SIDNEY

But Charlie...it’s been a long, long time.

CHARLIE

Look…there are two people involved in the search...you and her. And you’re both going

down separate roads looking for each other. Sometimes the roads are short but sometimes

they are long and difficult. And sometimes you even get lost for a while. But eventually

the roads will meet.

SIDNEY

In the meantime I get more discouraged every day.

CHARLIE

Sidney, be patient. Maybe she’s on that road right now looking for you.

SIDNEY

Maybe you’re right, but she’d better show up soon.

(Song “FIND ME”)

(SIDNEY moves downstage right. He has a resigned look on his

face.)

SIDNEY

FIND ME, I’M TIRED OF SEARCHING.

THIS TIME, PLEASE COME MY WAY.

EACH TIME I THINK YOU’RE NEAR…YOU DISAPPEAR

WHY ARE YOU SOMEWHERE ELSE?

I CAN’T GO ON THIS WAY, FROM DAY TO DAY

BEING BY MYSELF.

(JESSICA is upset about her encounter with JAKE. She gets up

from the table and moves downstage left, just opposite SIDNEY.)

JESSICA

FIND ME, I’M LOST WITHOUT YOU.

SHOW ME…HOW LOVE BEGINS.

IS THIS REQUEST TOO MUCH?...TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH

I’M FLESH AND BLOOD…NOT STONE

YOU KNOW IT ISN’T RIGHT, FROM NIGHT TO NIGHT

FOR ME TO BE ALONE.

(Music plays as they both think about their situation.)

SIDNEY

Are you as lost as I am? Are you even out there? If you’re looking for me please put on

some speed. Because it’s been so long.

JESSICA

I don’t know where you are my love? Am I looking in the wrong places? Do you really

exist? I’m tired of searching. But I promise. I won’t stop.

DUET

SOMEDAY, HERE’S HOW YOU’LL FIND ME

FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE RULES:

KEEP SEARCHING ‘TIL YOU FIND A HEART AND MIND

THAT MAKE YOU FEEL AT HOME,

AND YOU WILL KNOW RIGHT THEN…THERE IS AN END

OF BEING SO ALONE.

ACT I

Scene 8

(SIDNEY goes back to the bar next to WALLY, and JESSICA

goes back to the table to sit alone. JAKE is still in the rest room.

TINA is so moved by the song that she has her tissue out.)

SAMANTHA

Tina…what’s wrong.

TINA (Wipes tears from her eyes.)

That was so damn sad.

SAMANTHA (Signals BECKY to come over.)

What? Them? They’re in their own soap opera.

(JAKE comes out of the rest room and walks over to the juke box.)

TINA

I’ve never seen them in a soap opera, and I watch every afternoon.

BECKY (Goes over to SAMANTHA.)

Two more Martinis?

SAMANTHA

No, what’s that special drink you told us about earlier? The…uh –

TINA

Samantha…it’s called a Double Entry!

SAMANTHA (Dubious.)

Well, I’ll have one of those.

(She looks over at TINA who is still a little weepy.)

Uh…nothing for Tina.

TINA

That’s just not fair!

SAMANTHA

Well, you know what happens when you –

(Suddenly loud Rock-and-roll music from the juke box. JAKE

starts moving and snapping his fingers to the music.)

WALLY (Firmly but politely.)

Sir, will you please turn that down. Or, better yet...off.

JAKE

(Shouting over the music.)

Hey, it’s my money and my music…it’s none of your business…old man.

WALLY

It is my business when you’re offending my ears and bothering the good people in this

café. Use some propriety for God’s sake!

(CHARLIE is beaming and all the customers yell out “Yeah, use

some propriety”.)

JAKE

(Pulls the plug on the jukebox.)

There. Happy now?

WALLY

Oh…how considerate!

(JAKE makes a gesture and turns back toward the juke box.)

SAMANTHA

Did you see that Tina. Now there is an enlightened gentleman.

JESSICA

(Sheepishly to SAMANTHA and TINA.)

This is so embarrassing.

TINA

(Leaning over and whispering to JESSICA.)

Maybe you’ll be lucky and he’ll stay over dere all night. What’s your name honey?

JESSICA

I’m Jessica. Why?

TINA

Well Jessica, I know he’s cute…but ya know…he’s a pain in the ass.

SAMANTHA

Tina!

(To JESSICA.)

Get rid of the bum. Find a nice guy.

JESSICA (A little annoyed.)

What am I supposed to do, stand on a street corner and check out every guy who passes

by?

SAMANTHA (Alarmed.)

Oh no. I wouldn’t do that!

JESSICA

Besides, I didn’t go looking for Jake. You don’t find Jake. He finds you.

SAMANTHA

Elucidate.

JESSICA

Okay. Well...one night I was sitting home just listening to the radio and reading the

paper. When I got to the section with the Wedding notices, it really got to me. So I went

to the kitchen for a big bag of potato chips.

(Scene switches to JESSICA’S small room. JESSICA enters with

some potato chips and sits down in the chair. The radio is playing

some romantic music. At the end of the music, an advertisement

for the Single File Computer Dating Club comes on the radio.)

RADIO (Recorded computer sounds, then...) “Hi there. Yes... YOU…You sitting over

there alone in your chair. Put down that paper. Do you want to change your life, find

somebody to be with, and especially so you won’t have to listen to this commercial any

more? Find out how Single File Computer Dating Club can change your life.”

(Song “SINGLE FILE”)

RADIO JINGLE (Recorded.)

SINGLE FILE, SINGLE FILE

WE’LL FIND YOU SOMEONE WHO WILL MATCH YOUR STYLE.

BECAUSE WE DO IT WITH OUR THIRTY-THREE,

TRUE MEASURES OF COMPATIBILITY.

“Yes...that’s right. Our program is guaranteed to match you up with the perfect dreammate.

Call us today 800-FOR-LOVE or go to our web site and get started."

(Single File background music.)

JESSICA

(Picks up the phone, dials and speaks the number as she does.)

One eight hundred f…o…r...l...o...v...e.

(Then she speaks almost apologetically.)

Hello “Single File”? My name is Jessica. I’m 35 years old, kinda short, brown eyes, soso

looks I guess, a so-so job…

(Excitedly.)

…but I have an Associate’s Degree!

(Weakly.)

I’m just…ya know…a little shy. Thank you.

(Single File music builds and fades. There’s a knock at the door

and she calls out.)

Who’s there?

(She opens the door and Jake rushes in. She screams.)

JAKE

Hi, my name is Jake. Boy the computer sure worked fast.

(Shows a cell phone.)

I think you’re perfect for me babe. Why don’t we have a few glasses of wine and get to

know each other?

JESSICA

No thanks!

(As she pushes him out the door she has a bit of hesitation.)

Maybe some other time though.

I mean…

(She goes back to the chair and starts flipping through the paper

until her eye catches the Personals’ Section.)

Wow…the Personals Section. Let’s see. Hmmm...80 year old tycoon...no. Rawlings

Prison, inmate number 3068786520...NO!

(Reads a little more.)

Ah...here’s one.

(SINGLE FILE music plays and she sings.)

JESSICA

MACHO MAN, WHAT A GUY,

YOU’RE GONNA LIKE HIM - AND I’LL TELL YOU WHY:

HE’S RICH AND FAMOUS AND HE’S FUNNY, TOO.

TWO SEVEN SEVEN ZERO NINE THREE TWO.

Yes…yes…yes.

(She picks up the phone and dials.)

Hello, Tribune Personals Column? My name is Jessica. I’m 32, five foot five, blue eyes,

very bright, and…and I’m kinda outgoing and sexy. Uh…how do I meet that rich and

famous guy?

(Pauses.)

What do you mean “don’t worry”?

(She hangs up the phone, goes back and sits down, and there is a

knock at the door.)

Hello, who’s there?

JAKE

Paper boy!

JESSICA (Mumbles.)

Did I buy a paper?

(Loudly.)

Just a minute.

(She goes over and opens the door. JAKE enters. He is carrying a

newspaper.)

JAKE (Holding up the paper and calling out.)

Hear ye, hear ye. Read all about it. Jake is here to deliver. Read all about it.

JESSICA (Mocking him.)

Read all about it yourself! Get lost!

(She pushes him out the door and mumbles.)

That was clever though.

(Closes door, goes back to the chair and picks up a magazine.)

There’s got to be a better way.

(Scans through a magazine. Reads aloud.)

“Contest for women. How would you like to win a weekend date with a rugged Alaskan

outdoorsman. Handsome and intelligent. We call him Mr. Wonderful. All applicants

should be at least five feet seven inches tall, be blonde, well educated and love the great

outdoors.”

(She jumps up.)

Outdoors! That’s so me!

(Sits back down. Picks up the phone, speaks as she dials, clearly

spelling out the telephone number.)

1-800-SO-MACHO. Hello, Alaskan Surprises. I’d like to win a date with Mr. Wonderful.

My name is Jessica. I’m 5’7”, blonde, well educated and I love the great outdoors. Oh,

and I’m wonderful too.

JESSICA (Pauses.)

What did you say? What? How could I be the only contestant? But...what?! He’s on the

way...from Alaska? Good grief!

(She goes over to the door, crosses her arms and waits. Knock

comes on the door.)

I know. I know.

(She opens the door. JAKE enters. He is wearing a heavy coat, a

hat, gloves, and boots. If possible he should be brushing snow off

of his coat. Pause. SINGLE FILE music starts and he sings.)

JAKE

WONDERFUL, THAT’S MY NAME.

YOU WON THE CONTEST, YES YOU WON THE GAME.

YOU LUCKY LADY YOU MUST HAVE SOME PULL

TO GET A DATE WITH...MISTER WONDERFUL.

JESSICA

You’re so slimy. How did you get here? By pipeline?

(Starts to push him out.)

JAKE

Wait. Don’t kick me out.

(Pleading.)

Give me a chance. You’ll really like me if you’d just do what I –

JESSICA

Do what?

JAKE (Begging shamelessly.)

Just go out with me once…that’s all. Pleeeease!

JESSICA

Golly, don’t you have any friends of your own?

JAKE

(JAKE bows his head and sadly delivers the “coup de grace”.)

No…you’re my only…my only friend.

JESSICA

(She rushes over and embraces him. He faces the audience as they

hug.)

Oh you poor thing!

(JAKE, facing the audience, gives a big thumbs up. There is

applause. With his hand he signals for more applause.)

ACT I

Scene 9

(Everyone in his/her former position at the Café.)

JESSICA

I couldn’t turn him away. I felt so sorry for him.

SAMANTHA

Are you serious? You should have told him to leave.

JESSICA

I tried. But he wouldn’t! So I let him stay.

(BECKY comes over to JESSICA’S table.)

TINA

That’s just what I would do.

BECKY

That’s not a safe thing to do. Really Jessica, can’t you see when you’re being taken

advantage of?

JESSICA

But I’m always afraid of saying no. I have this thing about wanting people to like me. So

I’ll usually go along with what they ask me.

BECKY

That’s a sure recipe for trouble and pain Jessica. And you’ll never get what you want out

of life.

JESSICA

I don’t know what I want out of life!

(Becky sits down close to JESSICA.)

BECKY

And you won’t find out if you don’t start thinking about yourself.

JESSICA

I don’t know if I’m strong enough to change.

BECKY

Well you’d better find the strength somehow or you’ll go on being a sucker. And when

you make up your mind…do you know what will happen?

JESSICA

What?

BECKY

You’ll discover who you are.

JESSICA

It’s something to think about.

BECKY

You do that girl. Otherwise you’ll find yourself in the same old routine over and over

again.

(Becky heads back to the bar.)

JESSICA (Talks to herself.)

What a mess my life has been. How did I end up this way?

(She stands up.)

Maybe it’s the way I was brought up. No, that’s not fair. Becky’s right, I’m responsible.

No one else. And I’m tired of the same old routine. Just plain tired.

JESSICA

(Shakes her head, looks upward, and takes a deep breath.)

(Song “WHO I AM”)

(Sung slowly and wistfully.)

JESSICA

TIRED OF THE SAME OLD ROUTINE.

TIRED OF THE TIME THAT I’M SPENDING

BENDING BACKWARDS AND PRETENDING

TO BE WHO I’M NOT.

WHY DO I ALWAYS GIVE IN?

TO SOMEBODY ELSE’S AMBITION

DO I REALLY NEED PERMISSION

TO BE WHO I AM?

FINDING MYSELF…IS SUCH A LONELY CHORE.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

BUT I CAN’T IGNORE IT ANYMORE,

REGRETTING WHO I’VE BECOME.

NO I CAN’T IGNORE IT ANYMORE,

I’M MAKING ME NUMBER ONE.

THE CHOICES I MAKE WILL BE MINE.

THE FEARS AND THE DOUBTS ARE BEHIND ME.

AND EVERY SUNRISE WILL REMIND ME

TO BE WHO I AM.

JESSICA (Cont.)

FINDING MYSELF…IS SUCH A LONELY CHORE.

EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

BUT I CAN’T IGNORE IT ANYMORE,

REGRETTING WHO I’VE BECOME.

NO I CAN’T IGNORE IT ANYMORE,

I’M MAKING ME NUMBER ONE.

I AM MAKING ME NUMBER ONE.

ACT I

Scene 10

JAKE

(Comes back to JESSICA’S table.)

Hey, did ya miss me?

JESSICA

Not exactly.

JAKE

Oh oh. What do ya mean?

JESSICA

Jake...sit down. There’s a couple of things we’ve got to talk about.

(He has a look of puzzlement as he and JESSICA sit down and

have a serious conversation.)

VINNY

One way or the other that guy sure gets a lot of attention.

JANE

Don’t be jealous. You always have my attention.

VINNY

I never act that way, do I?

JANE

Certainly not. You have class.

WALLY

Both of you do. That’s quite fortuitous you know.

VINNY

Oh sure and I...

(He tries to figure out what WALLY has just said.)

…what?

SIDNEY

You have the sweetest, prettiest, nicest gal in this place. In fact I’m a little jealous.

(Teasingly he puts his arm around JANE.)

JANE (Sweetly.)

What a nice thing to say!

VINNY (Joking.)

Hold on Sidney. There’s lots of gals in this place. This one is mine.

JANE (Excitedly.)

What a nice thing to say!

WALLY

Vinny…you gotta know that you’re damn lucky to have this beautiful lady!

JANE (Loudly.)

Wow…really! What a nice thing to say!

WALLY

Jane, you’ve got brains and good looks… and that beautiful face! It’s got lots of

character!

JANE

OK, OK guys…that’s enough already!

SIDNEY (To JANE.)

I wish I could find someone like you.

JANE

Don’t be silly Sidney. There’s lots of great women out there.

(Quietly, they continue their conversation.)

JAKE (To JESSICA.)

Boy, what a collection of turkeys in here tonight!

JESSICA

You really are cruel Jake.

JAKE (Loudly.)

What’s that supposed to mean Jessie?

BECKY

(Moving up toward their table.)

Is he giving you a hard time Jessica?

JAKE

Why do I get blamed for everything? Forget it. I’m going over to the bar and have some

fun. And I’m not coming back!

(Goes back to the bar. Another Jakette immediately jumps up to

join him.)

BECKY

Good riddance!

JESSICA

I feel better already.

BECKY

Now’s a good time to take the next step and dump that jerk.

(BECKY leaves the table and notices right away that SIDNEY is

staring at JESSICA with a big smile on his face. As they make eye

contact BECKY thinks for a second then gives SIDNEY a little

signal for him to go over to JESSICA. He pauses momentarily,

shakes his head “yes” and bravely walks over to JESSICA.)

SIDNEY

Hi...uh...do you mind if I join you for a second?

(She looks up and nods yes. He pulls out the chair and sits down.)

I’m Sidney. I couldn’t help notice that you’re not having a good time here. Would you

uh...like a cup of coffee or something?

(She nods “yes”.)

Oh good.

(He turns toward the bar. Everyone there is watching. He mouths

the word “coffee.” CHARLIE winks and prepares a double

entendre for BECKY to bring over.)

Well...this is kind of a nice place huh?

(Searching for a way to get the conversation going.)

Could you tell me your name?

JESSICA

I…I’m Jessica.

(Becky brings the double entendre.)

Oh…thanks.

SIDNEY

That’s a real pretty name.

(A moment of embarrassing silence a she sips the drink.)

Oh…I forgot. I’m Sidney. I…uh…do you…uh…well…

JESSICA

Are you…uh…?

SIDNEY

Well I…

JESSICA

What I mean…uh…

(They look at each other…a little embarrassed, and start laughing.)

.SIDNEY

Boy…I’m not too good at this.

JESSICA

You are just so funny!

SIDNEY

I’ve been having kind of a lousy time tonight too. Your smile is changing all that.

JESSICA

What a nice thing to say! You seem like such a nice guy.

SIDNEY

It’s pretty easy to be nice around a girl like you.

(WALLY, watching them looks disgusted.)

JESSICA

Nobody ever told me that before.

(SIDNEY leans over and they start whispering.)

WALLY (To CHARLIE.)

Did you see that? Two minutes ago they were losers! And now they’re lovey-dovey!

Speaking lovey-dovey small talk. Give me a break.

CHARLIE

It can happen…

(Snaps his fingers.)

…just like that.

WALLY

How can you explain that idiocy?

CHARLIE

Chemistry.

WALLY

Chemistry! What a joke. Never happened to me.

CHARLIE

Are you a little jealous professor?

WALLY

No! I’m just baffled by the way people can be normal one minute and in a second

wham...they’re saying all sorts of stupid things.

CHARLIE

You’re a smart guy professor…you should be able to figure it out.

(Song “BUT LOVE I CAN’T EXPLAIN’)

WALLY (Proudly.)

I KNOW LOTS OF FACTS,

AND THIS CLEVER BRAIN (Points to his head.)

DOES YOUR INCOME TAX, (Points to CHARLIE.)

BUT LOVE I CAN’T EXPLAIN.

CHARLIE (Points to WALLY’S head.)

Wally it’s not about up there. It’s about what’s in there.

(Points to WALLY’S heart.)

WALLY

I’VE GOT LOTS OF HEART, (Frustrated.)

CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

BUT, WHY…HAVE SUPPLY, (Shrugs.)

WHEN THERE IS NO DEMAND?

CHARLIE

OK...so you’ve got a lot of heart. Now just get out there and tell some gal how you feel!

WALLY

I CAN’T SAY THE THINGS

WOMEN WANT TO HEAR.

WORDS LIKE SWEETIE-PIE,

TRUE LOVE AND HONEY BEAR.

CHARLIE

C’mon professor ... they’re just cute little words of affection. Y’know I’m really worried

about you.

WALLY

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN.

QUESTIONS STILL REMAIN.

WORDS I UNDERSTAND,

BUT LOVE…I CAN’T EXPLAIN.

WALLY AND CAST

THANKS FOR YOUR CONCERN.

QUESTIONS STILL REMAIN.

WORDS I UNDERSTAND,

BUT LOVE…I CAN’T EXPLAIN.

WALLY

NO…LOVE I CAN’T EXPLAIN.

END OF ACT I

(Curtain.)

ACT II

Scene 1

(Curtain is closed. Music begins for “KID IN A CANDY STORE”.

Cast comes down the aisles of the theatre and proceeds to go up on

stage in front of the closed curtain. Entrance music is playing as

they enter. Candy costumes are optional. SIDNEY and JESSICA

come to the front of the group. When the cast is on stage, the

singing begins.)

(Song “KID IN A CANDY STORE”)

SIDNEY

ONCE I WAS TRULY ALONE

I HAD NO FRIENDS OF MY OWN

I’M NOT THAT WAY ANY MORE

I’M A KID IN A CANDY STORE.

WHICH CANDY WOULD I PREFER

THIS ONE, THAT ONE, OR HER? (Flirting, points to several gals.)

NO USE PRETENDING I’M COY

I’M A REGULAR SWEET TOOTH BOY. (Goes from gal to gal.)

CHORUS

DON’T MAKE SUDDEN PASSES

BE SLOW…AS MOLASSES,

NO ONE’S KEEPING SCORE.

JESSICA

I NEVER HAD WHAT IT TOOK

I SAT AT HOME WITH A BOOK

NOW I’M TOO HARD TO IGNORE (Flirts.)

I’M A KID IN A CANDY STORE

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK

CANDY OR CINNAMON STICK?

I’M IN A CHOCOLATE WHIRL

I’M A REGULAR SWEET TOOTH GIRL.

(Little mousey wave to the guys.)

Hi guys.

CHORUS

WATCH OUT! YOU’RE TOO NEEDY

TRY NOT…TO BE GREEDY

WHAT’S THE HURRY FOR?

SIDNEY (Ignoring the warning.)

YOU ARE A SWEET SUGAR CANE (Leans on one gal.)

CAN’T GET YOU OUTA MY BRAIN (To another.)

AIN’T IT A GREAT METAPHOR?

I’M A KID IN A CANDY STORE.

CHORUS

PLEASE USE YOUR WILL-POWER

SHE MAY SOON TURN SOUR. (Referring to JESSICA.)

AND RUN OUT THE DOOR.

JESSICA (Appealing to SIDNEY.)

SWEET-TART

THERE’S NO TIME TO WASTE,

YOU SUIT MY FINICKY TASTE

I CAN’T RELATE ANY MORE

TO THESE KIDS IN THE CANDY STORE.

CHORUS

(Sung slowly to SIDNEY, while they point to JESSICA.)

THERE’S YOUR TRUE CONFECTION.

SHE’S YOUR BEST SELECTION.

WHAT’S IN STORE FOR YOU?

SHE’S IN STORE FOR YOU.

SIDNEY

(A little embarrassed, he walks over to JESSICA.)

COOKIES, CANDY AND CAKE…

JESSICA

…GIVE US A BAD TUMMY ACHE.

DUET (They hold each other.)

YET WE’RE SO SATISFIED, FOR…

SIDNEY

I’M A KID IN A CANDY…

JESSICA

KID IN A CANDY…

SIDNEY

KID IN A…

CHORUS

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

JESSICA AND SIDNEY

CAN - DY - STORE.

(The cast departs the stage through the center of the curtain.)

ACT II

Scene 2

(Curtain opens. SIDNEY and JESSICA are back at their table.

JAKE is at the bar talking to all three JAKETTES.)

SIDNEY

Whew…I’m exhausted!

JESSICA

Me too. You’re quite a flirt Sidney.

SIDNEY

Well I noticed that you had a pretty good time teasing the guys too.

JESSICA

It was fun, but they don’t interest me at all.

SIDNEY

I feel the same way Jessica. As a matter of fact...

(He moves his chair a lot closer and they begin to whisper.)

WALLY

(He has been observing SIDNEY and JESSICA.)

Just look at those impetuous morons.

JANE

Oh Wally, you have to loosen up a little. Really, I don’t think anybody understands what

happens when that chemistry thing takes over.

WALLY

People should use their brain and refuse to let that “chemistry” thing take over.

SAMANTHA

(Has another Double Entendre on the table. She is obviously very

impressed by WALLY. Speaks to TINA.)

Don’t you just love it! Now there’s a man after my own heart! It’s nice to encounter an

intelligent man with his act together. What a mind!

TINA

Wouldn’t ya prefer to meet somebody more athletic and muscular? Like that fella Jake

over dere?

SAMANTHA

They’re a dime a dozen. But you don’t often see a cognitive man in a bar.

TINA

Well why don’t you get off your chair and go over and meet him?

SAMANTHA

Oh no. I’m not about to make a fool of myself.

TINA

Why not? Everybody else has.

(Looks at her watch.)

11:30! Wow, it’s getting late. I wanna leave. I gotta feed my cat.

SAMANTHA (She’s admiring WALLY.)

Not yet Tina.

BECKY

(At the bar observing SAMANTHA AND TINA.)

Don’t look now Wally, but I think you have an admirer or two.

WALLY

Possibly. Becky. Do me a favor will ya?

(BECKY nods.)

Find out what’s on her tag.

BECKY

Ah ha…smart move Wally.

(BECKY leaves the bar, goes over to SAMANTHA to see how

she’s doing, and to look at her tag.)

JANE

This is so exciting!

VINNY

Oooo…the professor’s got a girl friend!

WALLY (As BECKY is on her way.)

Shut up Vinny. Sidney…let me see that decoder of yours.

SIDNEY

But -

WALLY

Give me the damn thing Sidney.

(SIDNEY, startled gives it to him.)

BECKY (To SAMANTHA and TINA.)

How are you gals doing?

(She leans over to get a quick look at SAMANTHA’S tag.)

SAMANTHA

We’re doing very well, but you’re looking a little tired.

BECKY

I’m tired all right…too much work.

TINA

What you need is a nice vacation!

SAMANTHA

She’s right…maybe a little trip somewhere.

TINA

Yeah…like Paris!

BECKY

Oh no…I wouldn’t be able to do that. But…Paris. Wouldn’t that be nice!

(BECKY’S thoughts drift toward the idea of Paris.)

(Song “IMAGINE ME IN PARIS”)

BECKY

IMAGINE ME IN PARIS

SITTING AT, A TABLE IN, A SMALL CAFÉ

WAITING TO SEE THOSE PLACES I’VE DREAMED OF. -

THE BOULEVARDS AND THE EIFFEL TOWER.

OOOO…LA LA LA LA, I’M IN LOVE WITH PARIS!

IMAGINE ME IN VENICE

FLOATING IN, A GONDOLA, BENEATH THE MOON

HEARING THE MUSIC - SEEING THE BEAUTY,

SOFT MANDOLINS ON THE GRAND CANAL

LA DOLCE VITA, I’M IN LOVE WITH VENICE.

BECKY, TINA AND SAMANTHA

THOSE FAR-AWAY PLACES YOU’LL NEVER SEE,

MY FRIENDS WOULD ALWAYS SAY,

BUT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES TO SLEEP,

THEY’RE JUST A DREAM AWAY.

BECKY

IMAGINE ME IN LONDON

HOLDING MY, UMBRELLA IN, THE MISTY RAIN

WALKING BY TOWERS AND FABULOUS CASTLES,

BECKY (Cont.)

OLD LONDON BRIDGE AND TRAFALGAR SQUARE

OH BULLY I SAY, I’M IN LOVE WITH LONDON.

BECKY, TINA AND SAMANTHA

THOSE FAR-AWAY PLACES YOU’LL NEVER SEE,

MY FRIENDS WOULD ALWAYS SAY,

BUT WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES TO SLEEP,

BECKY

THEY’RE JUST A DREAM AWAY.

(Pause. Music.)

I’LL SEE IT ALL, I’LL DO IT ALL, I’LL FEEL IT ALL…SOME DAY!

ACT II

Scene 3

SAMANTHA

It’s not impossible you know.

BECKY

Well I’m saving all my tips…so remember that when you pay the check.

(BECKY heads back to the bar to speak to WALLY.)

TINA

Gee…Paris, Venice, London…Schenectady. (Or substitute the town where the show is

being performed.) It sounds so romantic. I bet I could meet some nice fella over dere.

SAMANTHA

Believe me…you won’t have any better luck over there. Because…

(Catches herself.)

…I mean because they don’t speak good English. You’re better off here.

(At the same time, BECKY whispers in WALLY’S ear. He

immediately opens up the decoder, points to something on the

card, opens up his computer and starts clicking.)

TINA

Yeah…but dere’s nobody here that interests me.

SAMANTHA

Well, there’s one little teddy bear that intrigues me.

(Looking over toward WALLY, who looks up from his computer

to smile back at her.)

TINA

Oh no Sam…he looks like Simon Degree.

SAMANTHA

I’ll tell you what he looks like. He looks like a refined gentleman, that’s what.

TINA

Refined? Does he work for the oil company?

SAMANTHA

No that’s…never mind. I don’t know. There’s just something about his countenance.

TINA

Oh Samantha! That’s dirty. You shouldn’t say things like that! I’m embarrassed.

SAMANTHA

Tina it just means...never mind. Obviously Tina, you don’t see what I see. Just look at

that sculptured face.

TINA (Pointing at SAMANTHA’S drink.)

Ya gotta stop drinking that stuff!!

WALLY

Hey Becky.

(Motions her to come over. When she gets there WALLY hands

her a note and whispers in her ear. BECKY goes over to

SAMANTHA and hands her the note and a Double Entendre.

SAMANTHA is a bit puzzled and reads the note. Then a big smile

lights up her face.)

TINA

What’s that Sam?

(Tries to sneak a peak at the note, but SAMANTHA folds it and

places in her pocket.)

SAMANTHA (Hesitates.)

Oh...nothing.

(She is a little embarrassed, but looks over at WALLY, lifts up her

glass to him, and has a silly grin on her face.)

TINA

(Looks over at WALLY and then back to SAMANTHA.)

What is it between you two? You can read his mind can’t you? You’re psycho!

SAMANTHA

Tina...psychic!

TINA

Ah-hah I thought so!

SAMANTHA

No I’m not psychic.

(Guzzles down the Double Entendre.)

Whew!

TINA

Then what is it Sam? What’s going on?

SAMANTHA

It’s just so unexpected.

TINA

You’re turning red!

SAMANTHA (She wipes her brow.)

I know. It’s getting hot in here.

TINA

What’s come over you Sam?

SAMANTHA

Well…let’s just say it’s chemistry. That’s all.

TINA

Chemistry? What are you talking about?

(Song “CHEMISTRY”)

(Throughout the song there could be any number of special effects

such as flashing lights, fizzing drinks, bubbling sounds, etc. The

two couples, JESSICA and SIDNEY, and VINNY and JANE are

getting very affectionate. Other couples, if cast, may do the same.)

SAMANTHA

IT SEEMS LIKE I’VE BEEN THRUST IN

SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION

THAT’S CHEMISTRY.

TINA (Looking confused.)

WHEN PHYSICAL ATTRACTION

RESULTS IN SUCH REACTION (Sarcastically.)

THAT’S CHEMISTRY!

CHORUS

STOP!

LET’S TRY TO ANALYZE IT,

WE MUST HAVE THE MEANS.

WHAT, COULD BE SO TANTALIZING,

THE ANSWER’S IN THEIR GENES.

(Optional: CHARLIE comes out from behind the bar dressed as a

scientist, a beard or moustache, and carrying a fizzling beaker. His

moves mimic those of SAMANTHA and TINA.)

SAMANTHA

WHEN MOLECULES ARE BUBBLING

SAMANTHA (Cont.)

AND TEMPERATURES ARE DOUBLING,

THAT’S CHEMISTRY.

TINA

WHEN JUST A CUE FROM CUPID,

CAN MAKE YOU ACT SO STUPID

THAT’S CHEMISTRY!

CHORUS

STOP!

LET’S TRY TO ANALYZE IT,

WE MUST HAVE THE MEANS.

WHAT, COULD BE SO TANTALIZING,

THE ANSWER’S IN THEIR GENES.

(Hearing that, TINA bends over and stares at various guys’ jeans.)

SAMANTHA

No no no Tina…not those jeans…it’s genes…

(SAMANTHA spells out the word.)

…G..E..N..E..S.

TINA

Is that one of those double entry things?

(WALLY gets up and slowly moves toward SAMANTHA. Now

she’s getting pretty excited and is blushing.)

TINA

(Noticing the change in SAMANTHA.)

What’s come over you? You acted normal a little while ago.

SAMANTHA

Well...

(Now with WALLY and smiling.)

I WASN’T FEELING FLIRTY

UNTIL ELEVEN THIRTY

THAT’S CHEMISTRY.

TINA

AND THEN YOU STARTED GLOWING.

ADRENALINE WAS FLOWING.

THAT’S CHEMISTRY.

CHORUS

STOP!

LET’S TRY TO ANALYZE IT,

WE MUST HAVE THE MEANS.

WHAT, COULD BE SO TANTALIZING,

THE ANSWER’S IN THEIR GENES.

SAMANTHA

When you feel like you’re gonna burst with happiness.

WALLY

When you feel your heart is beating like a drum!

SAMANTHA

When you wanna hug the whole damn world!

WALLY

When you feel like you’ve finally found your sweetie-pie!

CHARLIE, BECKY, VINNY and JANE

Sweetie-pie!!!??

SAMANTHA AND WALLY (Harmony.)

THAT’S CHEMISTRY!!

(At the end of the song, SAMANTHA and WALLY go over to the

bar, leaving TINA alone at the table.)

ACT II

Scene 4

WALLY

Hey Jane, Vinny...this is Samantha.

ALL THREE

Hi.

WALLY

Samantha teaches over at the university. She’s been teaching over there for six years.

JANE

Wait a minute Wally…how do you know all this?

WALLY

Well…I looked her up on the computer.

SAMANTHA (Jokingly.)

Now that’s what I call cheating. OK Wally… now it’s your turn to spill the beans.

JANE

C’mon Wally…spill the beans.

VINNY

Keep it brief!

WALLY

(Takes out a business card and hands it to her.)

Well…OK...I own this little business...just a few blocks down the street.

SAMANTHA

You’re an accountant! I could never understand accounting. It would drive me crazy.

VINNY (Sarcastically.)

Yeah…he’s always driving us crazy!

JANE

Oh Vinny…give Wally a break!

WALLY (Ignoring VINNY’S sarcasm.)

What do you teach over at the University??

SAMANTHA

Right now...differential equations.

WALLY

Well I’m really impressed.

(Lifts his cup.)

Cheers to the lady teacher.

SAMANTHA

(Correcting him…she’s a professor not a teacher.)

Uh...professor.

WALLY

(Thinking she’s referring to him.)

Yes?

SAMANTHA

No. I mean...me...I’m a... professor…my title is professor.

WALLY

You?! You’re a professor? I mean, a real, I mean, you’re a real professor, like a…

(He laughs nervously.)

…gee I uh...

(TINA is a little uncomfortable at the table alone and decides to go

over to meet SAMANTHA’S new friends. She arrives in time to

hear the next few lines. Jake, who is tired, decides to go over to the

table to sit.)

VINNY

Hey Charlie…now we got ourselves a real professor!

JANE (To SAMANTHA.)

Boy…you really add some class to this place!

VINNY (Looking at WALLY.)

But she doesn’t use those big words, like some other “professors” we know.

JANE

She doesn’t have to use big words to prove she’s smart Vinny. She –

TINA (Interjecting.)

You kidding me? She’s always using big woids. Dat’s why she has so much trouble

makin’ small talk!

(Ignoring SAMANTHA, TINA walks right over to WALLY and

jabs her finger at his tie.)

TINA

Hey buster. That’s a real nice tie. I saw one like that at the dollar store.

WALLY

I –

TINA

Yeah…two for a dollar.

SAMANTHA

Tina!

(Composes herself.)

Oh…this is my friend Tina. Tina this is Wally, Jane and Vinny.

(They all greet TINA. She turns back to WALLY.)

TINA

Hey, are you a bank president or something?

WALLY

Oh no. I’m just an accountant, I –

TINA

Cuz ya look loaded.

WALLY

Well I –

TINA

Buster, how come you ain’t got a tag…

(Points to hers.)

…like this?

SAMANTHA (Very embarrassed by TINA.)

Tina!

WALLY

I –

TINA (Continues her questioning.)

How are we supposed to know who you are and what you like if you don’t got a tag?

WALLY

Well, I don’t belong to the –

TINA

What...ya couldn’t afford your own tag?

(SAMANTHA is shaking her head.)

WALLY

I –

TINA

OK then. What kind of things do you like?

WALLY

Uh…books, and –

TINA (Interrupting.)

Books? Did you ever read “Passion in the Pocono’s”?

WALLY

No, I don’t think so. Who is the –

TINA

That’s too bad…’cause you sound just like Harry the bus driver!

WALLY

Well –

SAMANTHA

Tina…enough!

TINA

(Ignoring SAMANTHA, she focuses on WALLY.)

Harry drove that bus like a tornado up and down those mountains.

(Pauses, jabs her finger into WALLY’S chest.)

Y’know buster...you shouldn’t drive so fast.

SAMANTHA

Tina…could we just let Wally talk? Okay?

TINA

Ain’t that what we’re doing?

(To Wally.)

You don’t like the “opra” do ya?

WALLY

No actually I –

TINA

You’re smarter than you look. I’ll bet you like bowling and horseshoes!

WALLY

Well, I –

VINNY

Hah! Him?! I can just picture him bowling!

TINA

Me too. I just love bowling. We should go bowling sometime. You and me. I’ll bet I

could whip the pants off ya. What’s your highest score? I got a 135.

SAMANTHA (Has had enough.)

No!

TINA

(A little offended, she reacts indignantly to SAMANTHA.)

Yes...I did! It was at the Mid-City Lanes. And I was sixteen, because when I –

SAMANTHA (Stops her.)

OK…that’s enough. Let’s talk about something else. Do any of you…

(The group carries on a friendly discussion. SAMANTHA and

TINA stay at the bar. (BECKY goes over to JAKE who is asleep at

the table.)

BECKY

Jake...wake up.

(No reaction.)

Jake, Jake, Jake.

(On the third “JAKE” everyone in the café freezes. The Oasis is

dark except for a spotlight on Jake who is asleep at the table.)

GOD (OS)

Hello Jake!

JAKE

Huh? Who’s that?

GOD

Take a guess Jake.

JAKE

Are you on a loudspeaker or something?

GOD

No no no…I’m up here.

JAKE

Then you must be…oh my god!

GOD

That’s me. And I’ve come here to give you a warning.

JAKE

A warning?

GOD

Yes. I really don’t like the way you’re behaving!

JAKE

(JAKE, facing the audience, has a big smirk on his face.)

Baloney!

GOD

Now you’re really getting me upset.

JAKE

You think you’re upset?! I’ll show you upset!

(JAKE, who is sitting, tries to get up, but some force holds him

back.)

I’m gonna -

GOD (Sternly.)

Jake! Pay attention.

JAKE

Oh oh!

GOD

If this keeps up you‘re headed for fire and brimstone!

JAKE (Getting a little worried.)

Oh no please! I’ve never been comfortable in the heat. Give me another chance will ya?

GOD

Maybe yes and maybe no. Y’know Jake, the things you do are so ridiculous…I don’t

know whether to laugh or be angry. So…we’ll see.

JAKE (Sales pitch.)

OK that’s better. Listen...why don’t you stay awhile and we can talk this whole thing

over. Maybe we can find some mutually satisfying –

GOD (Cuts JAKE off.)

Jake!

JAKE

Oh oh!

GOD

I’ve got a few other problems to take care of…so I’m leaving. But don’t forget… I’ll be

watching you all the time.

(Voice fading.)

JAKE

Oh oh! Okay…I’m gonna be better.

(Lights come back on. Becky walks over to the Jake’s table, and

everyone becomes active again.)

BECKY

Wake up Jake. Wake up! Come on Jake. Wake up.

(Becky shakes JAKE.)

JAKE

(Coming out of his sleep.)

I’m gonna be better. I’m gonna be…huh? What?

(Fully awake. Looks around.)

Oh. Sorry. What’s goin’ on?

BECKY

Just a bad dream Jake.

JAKE

Oh…thank God. Oh yes…thank God.

CHARLIE (To JAKE.)

Are you okay?

JAKE

I’m not sure. I’m feeling a little hot.

CHARLIE (Brings over a Double Entendre.)

CHARLIE

Here, have one of these. This will cool you down.

(JAKE gulps it down.)

JAKE (To BECKY.)

Hey…this ain’t bad. I gotta have another one of these.

(Suddenly seeing TINA who is at the bar.)

JAKE (Cont.)

Hey you girl, come over here.

(TINA starts to move.)

SAMANTHA

Not a good idea Tina!

TINA

I don’t know what’s come over me…but right now he’s lookin’ pretty damn good!

(She walks over to JAKE.)

JAKE

You and me girl…we’re going places.

(Pauses.)

Uh....you do have a car…don’t you?

TINA

Sure.

JAKE

What kinda car?

TINA

It’s an old suped-up Chevy.

JAKE

Yeah? Is it fast?

TINA

Fast! Are you kidding? It’s got a Franklin fuel injection system and a modified intake

manifold. And it cranks out three hundred and ten horsepower at 5200 RPM.

JAKE

Wow! Sweet car!

TINA

You bet it’s sweet! With those front and rear aprons, and the rocker cladding and the rear

spoiler! That car is everyone’s desire!

JAKE

(Faces the audience and proudly says his line.)

Hah...a sweet car named “desire.”

(He laughs.)

TINA

Is that one of those Double Entry things?

JAKE

Yeah…that’s what it is!

TINA

Is cars the only thing on your mind?

JAKE

No! I like lots of things!

TINA

Like what?

JAKE

Like...music.

TINA

Like what else?

JAKE

Like...a pretty face...like yours.

TINA

Uh, huh. And what else?

JAKE

Uh...like...pizza. Geez...what is this…a quiz or something?

TINA

No. I just wanna know a little more about you, that’s all.

JAKE

Well, that’s easy enough.

(The Jakettes get up to sing.)

(Song “WHAT I LIKE”)

JAKETTES

WHAT DOES HE LIKE?

TELL ME…WHAT DOES HE LIKE?

JAKE

WHAT I LIKE IS BEAUTIFUL MUSIC,

HERE IT IS SO DEEP IN MY SOUL.

JAKE (CONT.)

NOTHING ELSE CAN BRING ME THE MAGIC,

LIKE THE BLUES OR RO-OCK AND ROLL.

AND I LIKE THE SO-OUND OF SONG BIRDS,

AND SWEET WORDS LIKE “RE-EN DE VOUS”,

(JAKE (CONT.)

BUT THESE THINGS - I KNOW I DON’T LOVE THEM,

CAUSE I LOVE O-ON-LY YOU!

JAKETTES

HE LOVES ON-LY YOU.

JAKE

WHAT I LIKE IS SEEING THE SUNSET

AND THE MOON WAY UP IN THE SKY,

OR THE CO-LORS O-OF THE RAINBOW

OR THE TWIN-KLE I-IN YOUR EYE.

AND I LIKE THE LOOKS OF A FLOWER

IN THE MORNING’S GE-EN-TLE DEW,

BUT THESE THINGS…I KNOW I DON’T LOVE THEM,

CAUSE I LOVE O-ON-LY YOU.

JAKETTES

HE LOVES ON-LY YOU.

JAKE

THESE THINGS THAT I LIKE,

ARE JUST CANDLES AT NIGHT

THEY CAN HELP KEEP THE DARKNESS AWAY.

BUT THEY’RE NOT ANY-THING LIKE THE GLOW THAT YOU BRING

TWEN- TY FOUR HOU-URS A DA-AY.

JAKETTES

TWEN- TY FOUR HOU-URS A DA-AY.

JAKE

AND I LIKE THE SO-UND OF THE RAINDROPS

AND THE SMELL OF O-O-CEAN AIR,

AND THE TASTE OF VI-IN-TAGE WINE,

AND TO RUN MY HAND THROUGH YOUR HAIR.

WHAT I LIKE IS A-ALL THE JO-OY

IN THE THINGS THAT I CAN DO,

BUT THESE THINGS…I KNOW I DON’T LOVE THEM,

CAUSE I LOVE O-ON-LY YOU.

JAKETTES

HE LOVES ON-LY YOU.

JAKE

BUT THESE THINGS…I KNOW I DON’T LOVE THEM,

CAUSE I LOVE…

JAKETTES

HE LO-OVES...ON-LY YOU!

Ooo...ooo…ooo…ooo.

(JAKETTES return to their table.)

ACT II

Scene 5

CHARLIE (To BECKY.)

Becky…it’s getting late. Let’s start cleaning up.

BECKY

OK. I’m getting tired. Y’know Charlie…I’m thinking of taking a little vacation.

CHARLIE

You don’t mean right now do you? Because I’ve got a great idea for next weeks party.

We should invite the local theatre people. It would be a blast.

BECKY

Thespians!? Have you gone crazy?

(She starts picking up the glasses and other items at the tables.)

CHARLIE

It’s just a thought!

BECKY

Well keep it to yourself.

CHARLIE (Loudly to every one.)

Last call everybody. We’ll be closing up in a few minutes.

JAKE (To TINA.)

So listen babe….how do you like being with Mr. Wonderful?

(Yells over to BECKY.)

Hey Becky…ya got any more of that stuff in the –

(TINA puts her hand over JAKE’S mouth.)

TINA

(She gives a loud whistle to CHARLIE.)

Give me a glass of water for my boy over here. I need somethin’ stronger. Whatcha got?

Uh...give me some of that stuff in the blue bottle.

(As CHARLIE prepares the two drinks JAKE starts to get up.)

Jake…sit still!

(To JESSICA.)

What are you looking at!?

(JESSICA looks away.)

JAKE

Oh, Oh. Tina, could I have a Double En –

(She cuts him off.)

TINA

You drink too much of that stuff. You’ll get pimples.

(Still standing.)

Hey you!

(Referring to SIDNEY.)

What’s your name baby?

JAKE

Please, Tina I –

TINA

Hey...Jake. Will you relax?

JAKE

I just –

TINA

I said relax. Drink some water. You’re getting on my noives.

BECKY

(Brings the drinks. Then speaks to JAKE.)

Can I get you something else JAKEY-POO. I mean to go with your...uh...water?

JAKE

No thanks. Please Tina I –

TINA

You’re doing it again Jake. Don’t you know what’s good for you? Huh? Now let’s have

some music.

(JAKETTES get up.)

JAKE

Tina I –

TINA

Do what I say Jake!

(Song “DO WHAT REPRISE”)

TINA

BABY…YOU DON’T WANT OUR LOVE TO FALL APART. (DO-DO-WHAT)

AND BABY YOU DON’T WANT A SILLY BROKEN HEART. (DO-DO-WHAT)

SO YOU BETTER DO WHAT? (DO WHAT?)

DO WHAT I WANT.

TINA (Cont.)

FORGET MY MONEY

MY BODY

MY CONDO

MY CHEVY

AND MY MIND. (DO DO WHAT)

IT’S TIME TO LOVE ME

AND BEG ME

AND HOLD ME

AND KISS ME

ALL, ALL OF THE TIME.

I AM SO GOOOOOOOOOOD!

JAKETTES

OH-OH-OH YEAH!

ACT II

Scene 6

JAKE

Whatever you say sweetheart. Dam…you look so pretty!

(Looks up to explain to God.)

Sorry! I meant darn, she looks so pretty.

JAKE (Walks over to JESSICA.)

Excuse me just one minute. Jessie…I’m sorry about the way I treated you. I’ll be a better

person…so help me god.

(Again looks up to god. Then he reaches in his pocket and brings

out a huge chain of keys.)

Here are your car keys, your house keys, your locker key, and your bike key.

(Looks at Sidney.)

Please excuse me just a second.

(Turns to Jessica.)

Jessie…I’d really appreciate it if you could just return the big fluffy pink elephant that –

JESSICA

Hell no! Get lost!

(JAKE is astounded. He turns and quickly walks away.)

SIDNEY

Wow!

JESSICA

Sorry.

SIDNEY

That’s OK. Actually I should thank him for bringing you here tonight.

JESSICA

That’s a nice way to look at it. I’m glad too.

SIDNEY

Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I’m already falling for you, head-over-heels.

JESSICA

Don’t be shy...I feel the same way. It feels so good!

SIDNEY

Yeah. But...I was just thinking about my friends… their reaction when I tell them about

tonight and about you. They’re a very cynical bunch.

JESSICA

Well I know what my friends will say, “You’re gonna make a big fool of yourself

Jessica.”

SIDNEY

The guys will probably tease me and say I’m naïve. I can hear them now...

(Song “INFATUATION”)

SIDNEY

INFATUATION – IT ISN’T LOVE.

IT FEELS SO GOOD BUT - IT ISN’T LOVE.

THAT’S WHAT THEY’LL TELL ME WHEN I BRAG ABOUT YOU –

BUT THAT ISN’T TRUE AT ALL!

JESSICA

INFATUATION – IT ISN’T LOVE.

IT FEELS SO GOOD – BUT IT ISN’T LOVE.

THAT’S WHAT THEY’LL TELL ME WHEN I BRAG ABOUT YOU –

BUT THAT ISN’T TRUE AT ALL!

BOTH

AND HOW WOULD THEY KNOW ‘CAUSE THEY’VE NEVER BEEN

THERE!

SIDNEY

SO WHAT ARE YA GONNA TELL THE GALS?

JESSICA

I’LL TELL THEM THAT I’M IN LOVE

AND WHAT WILL YOU SAY TO ALL YOUR PALS?

SIDNEY

I’LL TELL THEM I JUST MET THE GIRL I’VE BEEN DREAMING OF!

BOTH

INFATUATION – OH NO IT’S LOVE.

NO DOUBT ABOUT IT – WE KNOW IT’S LOVE.

THAT’S WHAT WE’LL TELL THEM THAT THEY DON’T HAVE A CLUE

ABOUT ME AND YOU AT ALL!

AND HOW WOULD THEY KNOW ‘CAUSE THEY’VE NEVER BEEN

THERE!

BOTH (Cont.)

AND HOW WOULD THEY KNOW ‘CAUSE THEY’VE NEVER BEEN

THERE!

SIDNEY

So there!

JESSICA

So there!

(As they give each other a big hug.)

ACT II

Scene 7

CHARLIE (Suddenly and loudly.)

OK…we’re closing up everybody. Thanks for coming to the Oasis.

(Everyone begins to get up and leave.)

WALLY

(He has his arm around SAMANTHA and they are walking toward

the door.)

Charlie, I probably won’t be coming in for a few days.

CHARLIE

Well I hope you had a good time tonight professor.

(Pauses and shifts his look to Samantha.)

Yeah…I guess you did.

WALLY (At the door with SAMANTHA.)

Indubitably! And you know what?

CHARLIE

What?

WALLY (As he closes the door behind him.)

I finally found a face with character!

(Everyone except CHARLIE and BECKY have now left the

Oasis.)

(CHARLIE closes the door. He rushes over to the cabinet behind

the bar and takes out a book “The Cookbook of Love”.)

Where is that darn recipe? Ah, here it is. Oh my God…I don’t believe it. I used way too

much of the cactus milk. Why is it so difficult to get this right? I feel like I’m mixing

substances in a laboratory.

BECKY

Yeah…well that’s chemistry! Anyway, don’t mess with the recipe Charlie…all it takes is

a single mistake! Look at all the single mistakes we’ve had in here tonight!

(She turns a light switch off. Curtain closes. The cast comes out to

the front of the stage either from the curtain or the sides. It is a

street scene in front of the Oasis. “The Road” music begins.)

(Song “THE ROAD”)

SIDNEY

I WAS THAT WAY ONCE BEFORE

WAITING FOR LOVE TO COME TO ME

PASSING BY EACH OPEN DOOR

LETTING MY DREAMS JUST PASS THROUGH ME

I WON’T BE THAT WAY ANY MORE

I TRAVELED THAT ROAD TOO FAR

I’M NOT GOING TO LIGHT JUST ONE LITTLE CANDLE

I’M GONNA LIGHT A STAR!

JESSICA

I WAS A YOUNG GIRL IN PINK

DREAMING OF MEN ON WHITE HORSES

TAUGHT WHAT TO SAY AND TO THINK

CONTROLLED BY MYSTERIOUS FORCES

I WON’T BE THAT WAY ANY MORE

I TRAVELED THAT ROAD TOO LONG

IF THERE’S GONNA BE A SONG FOR SINGING

IT’S GONNA BE MY SONG.

JAKE

I WAS SO COLD AND AFRAID

LOVE WAS A STRANGER INSIDE ME

LIFE WAS A GAME THAT I PLAYED

HOPING MY EGO WOULD HIDE ME.

I WON’T BE THAT WAY ANY MORE

I TRAVELED THAT ROAD TOO MUCH

IF SOMEBODY’S HEART NEEDS TENDER TOUCHING

I’LL BE THE ONE TO TOUCH.

TINA

I HAD A DREAM OF MY OWN

EVERYONE SAID “DON’T PURSUE IT”

I ONLY WISH I HAD KNOWN

I COULD STEP FORWARD AND DO IT.

I WON’T BE THAT WAY ANY MORE

I TRAVELED THAT ROAD FOR YEARS

I’M NOT GONNA HEAR THOSE BOO’S AND HISSES

I’M GONNA HEAR THE CHEERS.

(They all move closer together.)

MEN

THIS HAS BEEN HEAVEN TONIGHT

GLAD YOU DECIDED TO BE HERE.

WOMEN

THE ROAD UP AHEAD WILL BE BRIGHT

IF YOU ARE WALKING WITH ME THERE.

ALL

WE WON’T BE THAT WAY ANY MORE

WALKING ALONE IN THE DARK

(CHARLIE and BECKY come out to join the others.)

MEN

WE’RE NOT GOING TO LIGHT JUST ONE LITTLE CANDLE.

WOMEN

WE’RE NOT GOING TO LIGHT JUST ONE LITTLE CANDLE.

ALL

WE’RE GONNA LIGHT. . . . A STAR!!

- END -

(After music ends, the curtain opens part way and the cast moves

back behind it, ready for curtain calls.)